Pre-pickelized cucumber-hand invasion!! RUN!!!!!!!!!!
We were doing it doggy style, and I puked on the floor and started crying, he told me it was okay his cat would eat it... and if it would make me feel better we could do anal...
And they lived happily ever after....
This concert is like a reunion of all my bad sex.
adderall just fell out of my nose in class. guy next to me just nodded.
Dude turns out her best friend is lesbian...there is no wingman for this situation
Only your wife would write 'for deposit only' on the back of that $1500 check knowing full and well our capabilities of spending it on strippers and booze
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
Dude you took some guys glasses off his face and ran out of the bar
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
Having vodka and cokes for lunch at work today because absolutely ZERO fucks are being given.
She told me I made the cut, and to write my name and number on the white board by the door. I was the 7th number down.
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
I just really hate taking care of things... If I can't fill it with liquor I'm not sure what to do with it.
Can you please help mom and dad? Theyre trying to figure out Skype, and its like 2 cavemen finding fire.
We just broke up and deleting his dick pics is the hardest thing I've ever had to do.
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