i just google searched 'can you pop your ovary'
girl has like over 50 stars tattooed on her front, side and back. feels like i just fucked the universe.
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
I am now the only person in my apartment who hasn't had sex in my bed.
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
I'd hate to be 100% hetero. Pretty sure they have less orgies
I walked in and all four of you were covering your heads under the blanket singing waterslides in unison.
Well, I tried to shit into my refrigerator. It was a rough night.
Life Goals: never under any circumstances, pee in an elevator again. No matter how drunk
The stock is going waaaaay up on that picture of my pussy with a bowtie on it.
So I'm texting her. How do I steer the conversation toward "I honestly would be fine never seeing you again"?
I just spilled my beer on a five year old. She's crying but I can promise you I'm more upset.
Nothing makes me prouder to be liberal and socialist than the idea of desecrating the memory of Ronald Reagan
So, my eyeglasses somehow ended up in my nightstand drawer and they're covered in lube.
I just came in my own mouth don't ask me how cuz it really hurt and felt good at the same time.
Randomize
