I smell stomach acid.
I literally made his dick bleed. How the fuck do you think it went?
my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
shes a baton twirler.. i expected her to be better with her hands.
We can grow old together and our livers can fail together
he's just a really huge penis that sells weed
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
He had bigger boobs than me last night and we both weren't wearing a bra so it was a fair judgement
You were stoned out of your mind. We were eating cold cuts and you wouldn't shut up about how it was the wettest meat you'd ever felt in your life.
I'm smoking a bowl with matches and a candle while my mother washes dishes downstairs. I thought adulthood was supposed to be different.
Me too like the fact they didn't arrest me wants to send them an edible arrangement
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
Idk if I deserve a medal or a one way ticket to hell
If I get back to the house before you, I'm setting up the swing. If you get there before me, it's chains and cuffs.
Randomize
