can someone explain to me why i woke up under a twister sheet
I tapped out to boredom. She bought me a full meal at Subway. Two tap beers and a pretty weak long island iced tea. I'm five dollars cheaper to fuck than she is.
oh yea it is. i was not expecting to look at a snowbank and just see flying mushrooms
She just called to say she can support a full bottle of vodka between "the girls" now. I'm going over, don't try and stop me.
She's just so happy...and so naked.
Vodka drinking games. Where you wake up next to a douche lord and see your thong in the blinds.
Frankly, since I met you, I practically exist in a state of constant readiness for sex
My mother is even happier about me having a sugar daddy than I am
Just saw a rice crispy commercial and got emotional. I need to go home.
I was on the verge of being completely over him and then he went and made his Instagram not private... ITS LIKE HE KNEW
HOW DID I LET MYSELF GET SUCKED IN HE HAS A PENIS FOR PETE'S SAKE.
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
I told him I had the birth control implant in my arm and he looked me in the eyes, said "Science!" and came in me
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
The more drunk I get the more I want to steal a lamb
What would be the possible repercussions of lamb theft
Randomize
