I just woke up and i'm wearing a cape and it says sup slut on my ass
I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
He said if I stayed the night he'd take me to church in the morning.
Dude I still wanna know who I had sex with on new years eve
I taped Calvin and Kyles heads together face to face while they were passed out. You should have seen them stumbling around using hungover teamwork trying to find scissors.
why did you let me tell everyone that you can get herpes from the ice luge and then let me do the ice luge?
Learned my lesson. Pink pantydroppers out of a beer bong=deceiving
Call me old-fashioned, but I don't think the words, "Finger my ass" should find their way into casual conversation.
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
So we were having sex and his roommate walks in eating a bag of chips. Then proceeds to talk to us about his bitch of a professor.
Did he at least offer you guys chips?
She's cute. And her snoring noises remind me of the incidental music from Jaws.
Definitely had a dick in my ass while watching the Seahawks win. Best NFC Championship game ever.
Don't date the locals. They're all tainted.
Its mothers day... Can my present be an orgasm...for once?
I smell like a mix of alcohol, sweat, and sex and its only 10 AM
Randomize
