....ANDDD I just became confused during sexting and sent my mother a text describing a "porno-worthy cum shot."
we were having sex in the bathroom when his aunt knocked on the door
and rather than go out and meet her, i climbed out the window. so now she thinks he was masturbating and moaning his own name in a really girly voice
i wish there were pregnant emoticons
Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
Dude, we totally smoked up inside a church organ last night. Add this to the epic list.
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
no i decided against it. savin my coke binge for finals week.
i just woke up reverse cowgirl on my couch. fully clothed. my laptop is on the floor sideways. blasting gay porn and lady gaga. pizza crust everywhere. goodmorning.
That is true. Vodka is like a dog. Always loyal, warm, and there for you when you need it
I was getting sick from all the peanut butter I had to lick off
Stop bitching. YOU SHOULD FEEL BLESSED TO HAVE LICKED PEANUT BUTTER OFF OF THESE TOTTERS
What changed your mind?
Being sober
Okay so.. What's with me and guys who have more than 2 nipples
Jimmy johns delivers to the bar behind work. Happy vodka day!
Every guy I've ever fucked is single right now
Pray for me
Just trying to show you I care.
Isn't it supposed to be "what would you like for dinner?" instead of "how do you take your blow?"
Hey, you're the one who asked me to mc to move in.
Randomize