I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
bad idea #53- masterbating while on period.
And then I'm going to yell into her vagina and see if it echoes
when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
Transgendered man at work dawning a slutty batman costume. I hate Halloween
he's only going to be home for two days, his dick is going to be in me for the whole 48 hours, he doesnt have a choice.
Yes stubble LOOKS hot but factor in his shitty bj skills and I might as well have jacked off with apricot scrub
Ummmm you know you're drinking vodka out of a Skittles bag, right?
I can't let him end my perfect streak. HE USED TO BE FAT
I paid your brother in tostitos to drive me home.
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
the only joy I get out of her anymore is hitting on her friends and ignoring her. it's chaos for them. like shaking a slutty ant farm
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
Yeah. I'm so over work, that I'm not even satisfied pretending to work anymore. I just flat out want to go home. Fuck this job
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
Randomize
