I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
I told u I don't really remember everything lol i pretty much remember not lasting as long as I norm and that I wore a condom, I hate condoms
I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
He took out the lube and started calling it fuck fluid
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
I'll call it a relationship when I stop masturbating after he goes to sleep
Will you push me around in a wheel chair, introduce me to people, and say nothing as I get up and walk away?
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
I missed rounds this morning...my senior resident hooked me up to and IV and made me stay in the clinic because he said I didn't look presentable enough to walk around the hospital
SHUN THE NONBELIEVERS. THUS SAYS THE NIPPLE LORD
Dude, I came home and you were passed out halfway through the front door in your Minnie Mouse outfit... with a beer still in hand
I just found weed in my bra #magicboobs2k16
Do you know how difficult it is to masturbate with Christmas carols stuck in your head?!
Fucking a younger guy is now a game of odds. The chance that he gives me corona virus is outweighed by the evening of orgasms I know he’ll give me.
Randomize
