so, totally just picked up a pack of red bull, and some magnum condoms and the old woman at the register's tone went from "hi blah how are you" to "oh....how YOU DOIN'?" she knew what was up
Bar closing I am hiding in the bathroom. do you think anyone will find me?
what is it about summer that misdirects my moral compass so much?
So I don't think its herpes anymore. Could be a sign of diabetes though. Is it bad that I consider getting diabetes 'dodging a bullet'?
Her boobs looked like leather oven mitts. No more cougar hunting for awhile.
What kind of flower means "I want to have unprotected sex with you, preferably from behind?" because thats the message I'd really like to send on Valentines Day
He posted a picture of my bra on facebook with the caption "I don't know who I hooked up with last night but if this is yours please come pick it up".
She compares her life to Teen Mom. She's 28.
You ever get that 6th sense feeling in your dick like you know its gonna get sucked later?
And by pregame I mean drink heavily and watch Russian dash cam car crash vids
I think I'm in the negatives for the quantity of fucks given today.
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
First time a guy goes down on me and his dog had its head on my knee the whole time. I swear it was judging me.
I'm a little concerned about right now. You showed up at my house soaking wet, drunk with a bag of ham and 2 liter of Dr. Pepper, and you refused to tell me where you got the ham until I gave you some more liquor.
They say you need two forms of ID, but in reality 1 nice set of tits works every time
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