A squiggle pen was my first vibrator back when I was young. I would lock myself in my bedroom with that thing. Oh to be 8 again.
You did not just nickname me "Nipples".
dinner is belligerent. she just poured the rest of the pitcher of margaritas into a take home box. people are staring.
today's the one month anniversary of me not giving anyone head. can you tell me you're proud
it's sad that this is a milestone
rolled over to window for cup of snow instead of leaving bed for water. that's how hungover
You started an entire relationship based only on sex and emoticons.
He brought a TOOTHBRUSH and TOOTHPASTE with us on our date..... I want to go home and forget I ever decided to be nice and go on this date in the first place...... A TOOTHBRUSH!?!?!
I can't believe you picked a finger in the ass over lunch with me.
so i woke up at six am and his bathroom was flooded. i think i fucked shit up in my sleep.
I should not be able to sum up my life with a taco brand motto...
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
I just bought six bottles of the 2 dollar vodka. oh yes there will be blood
Still drunk, heading to class.
It's 3 a.m. Dude
Doesn't mean I'm not at my desk. Ill wait.
Listen gotta draw the line somewhere. Apparently that line is at my nuts.
i just wanted have a romantic star gaze moment with him. untill he let out a massive fart.
Randomize
