I accidentally burped into my bong.
It's a Westpoint/Army thing, we talk about Miley Cyrus a lot
Why?
Because when is jailbait ever not funny? Answer: Never
everyone who works at gamestop is basically destined to live with their parents for the rest of their lives... so i said no.
I just used dish soap as body wash. I smell like a dishwasher exploded. isn't the end of the semester fun?
Ok so in the last 18 months I have now driven four different dudes into counseling. I'm like heroin with a vagina.
Someone just knocked jenga into a plate of cake. I'm licking off each piece one by one.
Wow, I just woke up in this conference with the woman beside me staring at me. This is what happens when hungover people sit in warm rooms...
Only you could make a stripper uncomfortable by eye fucking her too much.
We accept all of your sexual lovers, Jewish, episcopalian, atheist. Dick is dick
Will you be super villain lesbian lovers with me for halloween?
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
I just got offered free tattoos if I smuggle some guns from OKC to Dallas for a guy in the hells angels
I just found your shirt hanging in a tree 4 blocks from the party...in the opposite direction of your house. where are you going?
I feel kind of like we’re in a gang and tonight is one of those “people are gonna know not to fuck with us” type of nights. And then tomorrow I am going to learn to pole dance. I’m not really sure how I got to this point in my life… but I like it.
Dude, the worst part is I can't even pretend it didn't happen because she posted a video of it on Facebook.
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