Obama just said the words "we're all in this together." I wanted to start singing high school musical
would really like to know how the teddy bear got super glued to my testicles.
Day 5 without masturbation. Fat chicks are back on the table
Who was that couple sleeping in your bed with us last night?
She's doing shots in her underwear, a fur hat and mittens. I'm never coming home.
I suppose drinking a cosmo at lunch alone can't look good but I mean... sometimes it's just necessary
For Valentine's Day I've purchased six lighters and I'm decorating them for him. I'm on a full ride to an art school and this is what I'm using my talents for. An intervention is needed. Please stop letting me date stoners.
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
Just came to the realization that what I thought were orgasms were just lightheadedness from hyperventilation. My entire sex life is a lie.
This is not a costume party, I'm just wearing fairy wings.
Of course you are.
She makes margaritas with lemon-lime 5 hour energy..thats brilliant
and you were wondering how she got into Harvard
the second she challenged me to mario kart drinking game i knew i was in love
What's rude is him not accepting my blowjob offer. What kind of guy denies that.
But on a side note, how the fuck do you "accidentally " get peed on
My friends say stay away from him but it’s still 2017 so I’m allowed to make shit decisions until midnight hahah
Randomize
