Gonna be late. Someone jumped in front of our train.
david just texted me. reply with photo of genitalia? y/n
I wish we never smoked. I'm literally laying in bed opening and closing my eyes, just hoping a hot dog stand will appear in the room.
There's guys at my school running around throwing potatoes shouting "remember the famine." makes me proud to be Irish.
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
drunk making out is the fucking beeeest. specially when it's your exboyfriend
I wonder if you'll be as excited about this as you are now tomorrow morning.
When I came in she was screaming "boundaries!" at the cat because it was trying to eat her pizza rolls.
eggs and jello shots do not qualify as 'brunch'
You just begged me to mute the porn and watch her ass bounce while listening to dubstep the whole time.
Their car went through the first bag of wine on the drive up...clearly 6 bags was not enough.
Guess who won bingo at the senior center and is going to jail all in the same night?
hung over. covered in somebodies makeup. and ready to drink.
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
I could just tape a camera with a live feed to my head & you could check in on me from time to time
The one time I decide to bring people over you are laying naked on the coffee table watching the ceiling fan cause "it just moves so fast" I'm guessing you got paid today??
Randomize
