I smelled like jager and penis. The only cure was a pack of camels and plan b.
so... my grandma just told me i should be a stripper
well at least shes not calling you fat anymore
There's people holding up abortion signs everywhere. I guess the people of Florida want you to remember you fucked up on Spring Break.
ok perfect im about to bedazzle our mini keg named hans. he is ready to rage
making a list of all the places we've peed. separate list of places we peed when we were stoned
June 16th my calendar just says boobietassels....I can only assume that has to do with you
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
I wish I could just hang out in ERs.
I woke up in a poorly constructed blanket fort on a strange office floor covered in rug burns and champagne. How was your night?
I disagree, if your last name is Weiner then the sending of dick pics should be mandatory. I'd give him a pass.
There's Dick Pix, Zorro, and The Little Engine that Could. I nickname my fuck buddies for the exact same reason why you don't name animals which you will one day have for dinner.
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
Do you ever get high and look at your cat and feel like you know them on an intellectual level?
Yeah ok. We can maid of honor each other since you don't like my boobs enough to lesbian marry me
Randomize