I tried to give up sex for lent. It feels weird that on easter I'm this excited to be a whore again
OMG MY MOM JUST ASKED IF I WAS GETTING PAP SMEAR TOMORROW VERY LOUDLY WHILE WE ARE STANDING IN A VERY PUBLIC LINE.
it only takes four glasses of wine for me to ride an elephant with a stranger.
if i actually bought condoms for every time i had sex, i could single handedly fix the economy
Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.
My life now consists of 2 time frames. BV before vibrator and AD after death of my sex life.
I may have farted on a group of children. It may not have been an accident.
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
you sternly forced jackson to start preheating the oven around midnight so you could make bagels in the morning
you were serious about those bagels
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
I finished masturbating now I'm eating french toast crunch. What is life, and what are friends.
I'm nothing if not determined to sleep with everyone at that company
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
I'm pretty sure my calc professer is on coke. He's just too excited for this to be an 8am class.
Let's get this straight. I am six fucking feet tall. Do you even understand how limited my options in guys to date are? No. Did you see my last three boyfriends? I looked like a fucking giant next to them. So I will fuck this six-foot-seven Italian model even if I am the ugliest girl at this party because, goddammit, I deserve to.
Randomize
