You better get here soon. I'm about to spend $30 on a cactus online
I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
You brought out the iron board layed it on the ground in the middle of everyone and passed out for the night
My mom would probably be ok with my lifestyle as long as she doesn't see that photo of me doing bong rips in a Jesus costume.
I just took a shower and found half a cookie melted under my boob. Please tell me there's a reason
You tired to make us "vodka tacos". Which was just you dipping pitas in vodka.
Any good?
Well. FUCK YA. But that's beside the point
Your stories are the best. I feel like you're a spy among the heteros. It's not fair.
I think if wine wasn't a thing I'd give up on life.
I'm drinking with a guy who apparently blew my dog sitter.
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
I'm too depressed to masturbate. This election is the worst.
Can now check off "Start bar fight with my dad." on my bucket list.
on a scale from 1 to "can't put a toothbrush in your mouth without gagging" how hungover are you?
My favorite part was making you pull out your lucky steelers vibrator and show it to jerome bettis at the bar
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