dude, im still at the bar with two chics... one has a moustache ill save that one for you... be home in 20min..
We just picked up about 540 lbs of women....
man, work is way more interesting with these acid flashbacks.
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
Either I'm tripping balls or my dog has super powers.
I said to him "i can't have sex with anyone in my friend's living room" then he said "we can move the air mattress into the kitchen"
Unless your apartment has 3 am pancakes Im not coming over.
My body is like , remember when you wouldn't let me puke last night? Good luck at work fucker.
Ims textiofg thsi woht my noes bcuz my hansd aer stli handcuffde to teh bedfrme. Help me
Also did I tell you guys about the time that I balled for like an hour at a frat and made them play wagon wheel and then cleaned their bathroom
I fell asleep completely naked, standing up with my arms and head in the freezer
I'm sitting here with a heating pad and a fan on me eating snow caps off of my boobs
I walked out ot my car in the morning thinking there was a sandwich I left there from yesterday. Then later that day I was checking the mail and saw the other side of my car :/
It concerns me the most that u were potentially going to eat a day old car sandwich.
Man I sound like a slutty Mormon
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
Randomize
