Rocking a Headband at the strip club, because of Rock of Love this shit is like their kryptonite, I smell like stripper butter and back child support.
If I see one more duchette wearing Ed Hardy, but not actually having a real tattoo. I swear Im gonna shank a bitch.
totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
you pissed in the sink and didnt realize it until it was time to wash your hands
Apparently you can legally be topless in Boulder, CO. Get on it.
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
You're just jealous because you lost me and I ended up at another party licking Marshmallow Fluff bikinis off of lesbians.
Would it be sharing too much to tell you that my nipples hurt so much that I couldn't comfortably go down the stairs?
Notice how both of our plans for hooking up with these guys involve getting them drunk?
Oh my God, we're like men but with great boobs.
I'd let you fuck my husband in the future, that's how much I love you
We need to get Harry and Lloyd's tuxedos from Dumb and Dumber. I feel like this is a vital thing that is missing from our lives.
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
I parked in the SAE Fraternity lot and left a note that said if you don't tow me you will all get a blowjob.
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
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