wait, did i just see you litter out your window??
umm, i have a hybrid. it cancels out.
i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
We met on a dual walk of shame. It has to be love, we can't let that go to waste. I want to tell our children that story.
The theme is smores and alcohol. Dress appropriately.
I can't do a walk of shame with a sombrero full of baby chickens
I just found a GIANT thermos of sangria in my sink. I don't know if its still good to drink, but its good to drink.
They were so huge my eyes were just drawn to them. Boob gravity man.
It feels like the devil is humping my brain with his razor sharp erection.
Don't do shots out of Tostitos scoops.
All right, sex is off the menu for you. Now you just get friendship. So I can spend marginally less time being annoyed by you.
Nothing says "i love you" more than flowers and potatoes
Let it be known that on this day, the 26th of October, in the year 2016, I successfully put both of his balls in my mouth at once.
you fell asleep with her panties on your face. how are you surprised??
Randomize
