All you kept saying was "my dick ALWAYS causes problems".
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
We decided that the paper cups disintegrating was god's way of telling us we had had enough
saw a man tazing a raccoon in the middle of the street last night... normal
Why do the people I hook up with still exist after we're done?
I know. He gave me a hug and i was like jesus i can just feel the std through your sweatshirt
Ok I am NOT pregnant. I could shove coal up my vagina and my uterus would turn it into a diamond in a matter of minutes
Sorry about the flaming shit on your door
I never thought I'd be in my late 20s and send that text
She was nothing like her profile said, we had nothing in common, and her picture mustve been like 30 pounds ago. But yeah we hooked up
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
I wore his All-American medal during sex. I came in first that night.
When you wear a dress that resembles the shape and color of Kirby to a wedding, you get the attention you deserve.
You left your hot dogs in my dresser again
Can now check off "Start bar fight with my dad." on my bucket list.
tell raye i said hi and sorry for bleeding on the limes
Randomize
