I'm twenty-five. I'm too old to be watching my friend throw up in Chipolte Parking lot.
I cut my penus on the lid.
I just sneezed cum. He better have a damn good day at work.
Let's make a pact to never get in a cab at 3am together unless it's to go home or for pizza.
I just pulled a handful of rice out of my pocket.
Texas State Troopers call you ma'am even when they arrest you for public nudity and after you've puked on their cruiser. Country boys raised right.
Myy bathroom floor makes me think I'm on Mars. Also. Did you realize that yesterday we perfected thee mind high-five??
He called us the '3 Amigos' and told us if hos ex wife came we had to jump the porch railing and hide in the bushes.
No one understands the complete and utter debilitating 3 day bday bender.
My gay card got upgraded to platinum status today.
The more I piece together last night the more I want to vomit it out of my brain.
Fuck you and your fucking taquito's.
He's like a sexy bearded lumberjack who likes wine.. I can't lose..
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
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