went to the gyno and found out that i have a birthmark on my clit. its like god gave guys a little help when it comes to getting me off.
i walked toward the cop car thinking it was the liquor store lights nd by that time it was too late to escape the trap
Don't freak out about the couches in the driveway. We tried to unpack the uhaul drunk.
it's my sixth sense. If there's an orgy within 20 miles of me i'll know about if. Or be a part of it.
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
Someone downtown drunkenly stole the antenna off of her car... while she was driving.
I'm gonna tie him up and fart in that pathetic excuse for a mustache
Dude just texted me asking if I could drive 45 mins for a quickie dude use your hand
Ps we ordered a pizza at the pool today and I dropped the entire thing in the pool. We still ate it. #canthang
unless you have a dick and you were thinking of chopping that off
Let's drink tonight I promise I'll make it out of the house
Drunk me is basically the Oprah of nudes. Everyone gets one.
we should most definitely have a fire extinguisher in the apartment. like... for sure
I just remembered that I totally burped into someones mouth when we were making out. I was really smooth about it so he didn't notice.
He told his wife he was too old to pretend to be straight. She tried to argue. He walked two tables over and was like this is my highschool sweetheart and he's an excellent fuck, we're running away together. It was epic.
Randomize
