the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
atleast your grandma didn't give you her USED dildo just so you wouldn't have sex.
I sat a few seats down and one row behind a cute girl at the Cubs game today. Having watched her talk to the guy next to her, I found out only her name and age. I then used that information and pieced it together with over 500 girls on Facebook with the same name. I found the same girl, and we're now fbook friends.
if being a creepy fuck was an olympic sport, they'd think you were using performance enhancing drugs...
I know it's getting bad when I wash the bong more often then the dishes
The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
One of my friends found 6 bags of gummy bears on the roof. He lives a building over. Apparently even hammered you still have quite an arm
If u were an xman, what would ur power be? I would shoot lasers from my boobs.
P.S, i don't recommend doing keg stands on top of vehicles.
she made sit in a corner, drink nothing but water and told me she was worried about me because i picked up an irish guy at a taxi rank. says the girl who invented tequila night and fucked a guy in a park across the street from a sweet sixteenth.
Best part of Friday afternoon drinking? Having ping pong balls thrown into my cleavage.
I have an epic ass bruise from a wheel tonight and I am drunk now because I decided vodka heals all wounds.
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
Gramp just called her sex-on-a-stick. AKA HE CALLED HER A WHORE. My 75 year old grandfather just called your ex's new thing a whore.
I PUT IT IN THE UNIVERSE THAT I WANTED TO STAB HIM AND THEN SOMEONE DID! KARMA IS A BITCH AND SHE IS BEAUTIFUL!
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
Randomize