Let's bang like we're on a Lifetime Channel movie.
Something in my vomit makes me think I shouldn't have had that slurpee
Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
I literally need to be slapped with another cock just to notice it.
Next guy we share better have a little more dignity than that
No matter what I do you still love me. It's like loving a retarded kid. A retarded kid that keeps trying to sleep with you.
I let a naked juice spill down my leg for like 30 minutes bc i thought i was hallucinating that my leg was cold.
Can I also remind you that we insisted on touching his mustache?
Well of course I remember it took up like 20 minutes of my night.
Meanwhile I'm working a fucking flute workshop and I'm one high c away from shoving a flute up the asshole of the next passerby
Great. I will show up in your office wearing only oven mitts later today.
I think this bruise on my arm is actually an impression of your face
I'm just that drunk tells people I love them or wants to set them on fire. Accept that.
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
It was like the icing on a beautiful fuck boy cake.
I need to immerse myself in a tub of peroxide to kill whatever traces of him are on me.
Randomize
