the sham wow guy got arrested for beating up a hooker.
I feel like if I were on Intervention, I would have to be a season finale.
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
I think it's safe to say me, swords and vodka can never be aloud in the same room again.
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
Happy heartbreak day....you got chocolates, I'm eating them/ throwing them out the window at passing couples
Well watching will be involved...it'll just most likely be of me licking your penis instead of me trying to understand how Hans Solo goes up against the Galactic Empire...
My gynecologist got a full view of the obviously bite marked shaped bruises on my thighs. I just kept talking about work and hoped she wouldn't judge me.
Hey, I'm off work. Wanna take a metric fuckton of adderall, possibly get daydrunk, and get my hair cut?
Yup he definitely fell asleep. I'm trying to bone an old man
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
Woo is fucking right, dude. Vodka night tonight. Honestly, every night pretty much seeems like vodka night lately. My liver wants to move out of my body like I gave it an eviction notice.
Excuse you? I'm an asshole at least 90% of the time. Get it right.
it was weird i started the party in just my underwear and woke up in my clothes
If I don't get alcohol poisoning from tonight I don't think i ever will.
Randomize
