we have pet lesbian snakes
I could have mohawked her pubes.
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
i convinced her that her period would come back if we did it doggy style
She vajazzled her vag. It was as useless as putting earrings on chewbacca
I don't think i can handle my uncle say again that kid rock is a true musician....
This is final. The chair stays in the bathroom, we are too old to be puking from the floor, grown ups sit in chairs infront of the toilet to puke.
Or grown ups don't drink themselves into vomiting.
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
Did you make me take pictures of your ass last night because you fucked on some wet paint or did i dream that?
Dude id rather jerk off w a fist full of bee's than deal with that girl that never stops talking.
He always takes me to get taco bell after we hook up in his car. It's sort of become a booty call tradition.
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
I feel better now, I have multiple fuck buddies again
Almost ran out to the street bowl in hand when I hear the ice cream truck pull up outside.
Everything about that text makes me proud to be your sister.
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