How do you know one of your one night stands hasn't produced a child? You may have hundreds of kids.
Pretty sure I don't. One night stands are purely anal..no exceptions.
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
Seriously wondering if smoking a bowl for lunch was a bad idea.
OR THE BEST. STAY TUNED.
I specifically found a fat girl to lift me up on her shoulders.\n\nIt was glorious.
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
NO. ANAL IS NOT A GAME.
DOGS JUST TOTALLY ATE THE FEATHERS OFF MY NIPPLE CLAMPS!!!
I told people at my moms bar that all I needed to sober up was to get my asshole licked, and I blame you 110%.
Costco (TM). Making alcoholism affordable!
I mean like, I missed 30 minutes of star wars to fuck you on Christmas so you must be worth something
The next time you scream bombs away when you are inside me will be the last time you are inside me
I lick assholes and I wouldn't eat mdma
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
Randomize
