hey remember that time we got really drunk, you tried to find narnia in my refrigerator and passed out in the freezer drawer??
no.
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
When we woke up, I asked if we could play "what does your name rhyme with".....he said 'bave' thank god it was easy
The words "my birth control fell out" should never be spoken
Doubtful. That seems irresponsible. The 4th will kill you if you stopped drinking until then. Let's think logically.
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
I just set a bowl of cap n crunch on fire. That high.
I'm working on finding a bottomless situation. Both pants and mimosas.
Just a heads up... Don't get high and attempt to do your own taxes
Apparently that big girl from last night tried to take me upstairs when I was blacked out and all I did was grab Qs arm and whisper 'don't let her take me'
So they found him after the wedding still dressed up in his feather boa and top hat passed out in a bush...
I specifically remember rubbing my eyes thinking I could definitely go blind and I really like came to terms with it I was like ok my other senses will develop this is fine
My ex boyfriend literally just asked "who needs porn?". This is EXACTLY why I dumped his ass.
The highlight of my week is I found some hetero porn I didn't completely hate. Branching out.
Wait you took his virginity AND broke his bed doing it
I know! I’m the best!
Randomize
