My first STD was from a foam party
Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
in vegas stuck in the middle of a pride right now
Pride?
thats a pack of cougars
go fuck yourself
I just saw a girl make a shank with the underwire in her bra...
tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
I opened a jar of Ragu so I could use it as a cup. You tell me how it's going.
You told my mom you were going to "Raw Dawg some randoms." That Drunk.
He's high as balls tripping balls and doing a reenactment of the scene where Buzz jumps off the balcony and can't fly to his soundtrack of Toy Story.
Can I bring home a duck? Dead serious
I'm sitting in front of a fan naked drinking Gatorade. Motherfucking hangover probs
I was told my cock was a religious experience.
Yeah. Well last night I sold my shoes to a man who I'm pretty sure has a weird foot fetish for $150 cash.
I woke up with Pop Rocks stuck to my ass
He said I was really mad at him on Friday. Dude I fell asleep in all my clothes and shoes, with my flashlight on, on my phone... I could have been mad at the wall. It wasn't my classiest day.
I'm sorry I crashed your motorcycle and watched you get robbed from a rooftop. Will you please come back or at least drop off my shoes?
Randomize
