I only kidnapped one of them. chill
Just saw a guy wearing pink jeans and i bet he's straight. Fuck 2009.
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
Some cougar Brit said she loved me. America is bouncing back.
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
he fucked me with his goalie mask on. it was like sleeping with Darth Vader
You puked on the bar then proceeded to walk out. I told the bartender some girl walked up, puked and left and he gave me a free drink. Hope you got home safe.
Gonna be hard to top last New Year's Eve when the guy I blew came at midnight
yeah she's crazy. she fought a possum in my alley because it was "being a cagey little cunt"
HE'S LIKE A GREEK GOD BUT HE'S FROM BOSTON. HE'S A BOSTON GOD
pray to him
I WANNA PRAY ON HIS DICK
He's a cop. Do you know how many times I've said fuck the police? This is my chance. I'm taking it.
The stripper started talking about murdering people....that lapdance turned dark.....
You know that pill i snorted last night? Yeh, its just hitting me now..... At work
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
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