In retrospect, it was a terrible idea, going down on her with these ulcers in my mouth.
these two guys are about to go shot for shot with syrup
now he is talking to a potato
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
Margaritas are 250 calories. Now measuring all food in margaritas
I woke up and he was just feeling up my stomach. I felt like buddha and he was rubbing my belly for good luck. never again.
I agreed not to hook up with any randoms while she's on vacation, if that isn't a show of good faith then I don't know what is...
my dad is now demonstrating how to start a fire with a tampon. happy fucking new year!
Crying while listening to Miley Cyrus. BE GLAD YOU JUMPED THIS SINKING SHIP!
i just need to find someone who enjoys eating frozen waffles as much as I do. It will be perfect.
I figured you were on something. You're way too happy right now to be sober
Oh my fucking god, I was conceived on the first date.
It's 90 percent alcohol, and 10 percent a whisper that says "get drunk"
Dude...itll be a youre-still-a-dick-but-a-hot-one-angry-hate-evil-spite kinda fuck. This is acceptable.
The neighbors in the apartment above us are at it again. The roleplay this time is cop and prostitute. I give it 30 minutes, you? Already sounds better than the last one
A guy caught me talking to a sock today in the Laundry room if it makes you feel any better
Sadly that does. Why...where you talking to a sock
Bc I didn't know him and I asked him where he came from and why he was hanging out with my thongs
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