I have a new reason to go to work: I can tell which 3 of my coworkers are sisters just by looking at their butts.
This concert is like a reunion of all my bad sex.
I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
i am breaking up with you. because you wash your hair too much and you only drink light beer and because you're not party enough.
I want to see you in more than a weed delivering capacity
Me. You. Shitty green clothes from Savers that we will dub alligator costumes. Middle of the quad tomorrow at noon. Bring your alligator voice and the pearls before swine comic.
How are ur friends?
One is peeing in the grass and the other is asleep under the stairs. Fuck them I'm sleeping in the car
Please just fuck her. She's new to LA and doesn't know anyone nice.
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
Buy Actually if the police need to find my body I'm on an air mattress in an apartment near a McDonald's that's all I see out dat Window
did you just take a shot to penises and friendship?
Congrats. You made me have an orgasm in Starbucks.
Would it be weird to bake him a cake that says "sorry I peed on your bed"?
I woke up in my bed with candy and beer bottles all around me and i dont know where any of it came from. I love valentines day.
She's better-looking with the mask on.
Randomize
