Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
We will have to stop frequently for food, stretching legs, interesting things on the side of the road, and sex. So you might as well eat.
WHY DOES GOD HATE MY DICK
so i woke up on my toliet naked backwards. good night.
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
The glockenspiel player has some booze though so hopefully the ride won't be that bad
Wednesdays are like the thursdays of tuesdays... Drink time
i thought i'd fucked her to death. no lie. she just stopped moving.
I just found a bag of teeth...
I'm drunk on a monday night. Not a good start to finals week
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
I'm stuck in a tree and request your assistance ASAP
I tried to order dominos and couldn't but I accidentally placed an order for this morning. I knew I did it last night and was gonna call and cancel this morning but honestly it's coming in 30 minutes and I need it
Do you know who these girls are? They're baking a cake, making chicken enchiladas, and bringing me beer everytime I finish one.
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
Randomize
