I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
Why do you keep getting laid in MY dreams
So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
Why are there maracas in the dishwasher?
if the best thing you can say about him is "he probably wont kill me" you may want to rethink hanging out with him
We're about to have a bottle rocket fight on jetskis. You have 5 minutes to get on our level.
We're watching a video in class about cheese. The scoring for it sounds like that of a Lifetime movie. My mind is creative. I've continued my own story in my head of a wheel of cheese that was raped and murdered. It's so sad. I hope they get the guy. Btw, the video is about marketing.
Yep. How's your hangover?
It's like I fucked its sister and it's getting back at me.
I cut myself stripping on your car. Probably a profession I shouldn't pursue
Ones vagina should not have the same slogan as a can of Pringles.
I guess she was just worried I'd end up sleeping with you again
It's not too late to disappoint her you know...
My liver is fucking rocky. Get knocked down 7 times and gets up 8. World champ
If you find me in the bathroom in a fetal position, licking frozen bacon .. I might have Drank a little too much.
You tried to pick a fight with a polka band saying that you'd wrap the accordion around their throats
Randomize
