the Monday before Thanksgiving is not a Monday at all. Just Thursday in Monday suit.
I think I just sold my virginity for plane tickets
new excercise plan: walk a mile get a bj then walk a mile home
I have seen more male genitalia at this party tonight than I ever want to see again in my entire life.
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
she texted me out of nowhere. and I wanted to get drunk. like I didn't even have her new number until 6 hours ago and bam we were rolling around drinking cotton candy vodka from the bottle she had stuffed in a boot
I don't think tequila will soothe the spots where my tonsils used to be.
Also, being stuck with my family all week has made it very clear that I need to be drunk and I need to be fucked pronto
Just ate an entire BBQ chicken pizza this better go to my tits
Give me an out of order sign and caution tape and we can have sex practically anywhere.
Let's celebrate our freedom by getting high and doing stupid shit.
we panicked because we couldn't find you anywhere, but then we found you tripping in the bathtub with Marie's cat. there was no water. you thought there was water, though.
She started crying, nearly punched a guy, started smoking multiple cigarets backwards and broke the slide on her bong. Why do I always end up babysitting the crazy ones?
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
Randomize
