You realize if you die tommorow, the last memory i'll ever have of you is your ballsack on skype
Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
No, I stopped taking my meds because I like crazy me better
I spit up blood this morning
That's vegas.
Within 5 minutes of max walking in his pants were off and he was wearing my snow goggles as underwear.
The next time i black out make sure i remove the ping pong balls from my weave. Especially before my first day of classes.
I saw pigeons eating ur dried up puke today. Last night was fucking great
Ok there's 63 pics of you jerking it on my camera from New Years. The time stamps say it took you 40 min to get there too. See a doc, your only 22.
Chang gave me a 1.5 gallon beer tasting cup, i have a new boyfriend with a huge stick, Members of the Irish Rugby team slapped my ass and cheered for firmness, and a couple of strangers are naming the child after me. Best. Weekend.Ever.
We were in the middle of a serious discussion about social justice and he pulled sequins out of his teeth and kept talking like nothing had happened.
then looked at this little girl next to me and was like "don't drink when you get older and don't let your best friend be with assholes." she looked at me like i was crazy
My book, "How to Live With a Huge Penis" was delivered today. Can't wait to read it in public.
FUCK and YOU. times 10. To infinity and beyond. You bastard. Worst. Cockblock. Ever. I'm going to nail your sister.
I woke up and saw that my last google search was "Bacon neck".
Randomize
