peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
there should be a rule against ugly people hooking up.
yeah...but then what would the ugly people do? hook up with pretty people? yeahhh..don't see that happening in the near future. plus i'm not okay with that.
I don't know where your sunglasses are, I was too preoccupied with girls not old enough to drive past midnight.
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
pretty sure i saw you masturbating on chatroulette a minute ago. yes, i can recognize your cock
I THOUGHT I SAW YOU
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
there's a guy pushing a keg up the street in a shopping cart. you have to love graduation
i was staring at her drunk thinking "shes at least a four"
There's a black statue of liberty dancing on the side of the road. Please hold while I join him.
Or maybe my penis is just the key to their locked boxes of crazy, and I unleash their wrath upon all of mankind just so I can get my nut off
Well I'm drunk and covered in baby oil so tonights not ideal
So I'll be starting a scrapbook from all the mugshots of the guys I've slept with
why is "bang the student affairs grad assistant" the third highest thing on your semester goals list
Randomize
