You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
im letting my talent of no gag reflex go to waste
We thought you were crowd-surfing until we realized it was the bouncers throwing you out
Just write off about 10000+ brain cells and 6 months of your lifespan.
Sounds like a normal friday night
Just drove past the dude that came in your sock
At second job interview this week. Wearing pants to hide pole dancing bruises. This my life.
I'm tired and starving, and I'm pretty sure I just cost the company 33,000 dollars...fuck you and you're "you'll love going to work high" nonsense.
All i'm saying is it doesn't matter how drunk you were, at 26 years of age you should always remember to take down you pants before you shit in the toilet
I'm watching a man in drag spread food products on his face my life is spiraling out of control.
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
She had like a side ponytail and hoop earrings though. And legwarmers. Like a horrible 80s nightmare. Don't drink and dream, dude.
Mom kept me on a leash as a kid, did you know this?
When she went in the beer store I got to hold it.
By the time we got to McDonald's you were sharing a Big Mac with a stripper.
After drinking all day I popped an adderal, slammed three beers in a row, apparently told the bartender "thanks bitch" then ran on stage.
Randomize
