It's not a real calculator it's a math calculator
At first I felt shameful, waking up naked next to a box of oreos and half a can of cake frosting...then I realized, this could be a bigger discovery than Atlantis.
sometimes you just have to masturbate at your friend's house.
someone, somewhere in austin has to have a muppet
Either she got face surgery at midnight, or i need to stop drinking...
Whoever said drinking more helps a hangover didn't drink 96% of a fifth of whiskey last night. This is absurd.
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
can we change the rule from "no one is ugly after 2 am" to 1130 so i can justify last night
By the end of the first quarter he was so hammered he was pouring beer into the crockpot with the miniature hot dogs and BBQ sauce saying he loved the supper bowl and he loves taking mini weinies to the face
I need to go back to work. I've had so much sex since the shutdown started. last night we tried and a little flag came out saying "nothing is left in here try a week later"
Well if your hearts not big enough, your penis certainly is. Just have a threesome
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
Apparently, im the only one in the world who thinks Larry King is hot.
You took his virginity and then he got lost on his way back to his hotel room... We found him at 3am sitting on the sidewalk crying. Kudos.
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
Randomize
