Well I think that's a good thing that I'm not full of someone else.
not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
i'm crying at olive garden. i've hit rock bottom
The crowning achievement of my weekend was hooking up with someone I'm at least facebook friends with.
after we had sex he went grocery shopping. at 6 am. i've never been more confused in my life
Don't mean to be rude. But did you, by any chance, cut down a tree from my neighbors backyard last night? And did you also drag it to my yard and burn it?
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
I just explained it as we hate everyone in the world more then we hate each other. Thus making us friends. Plus we drink...a lot
I think drinking is the foundation of our friendship
Thanks for letting me in last night. I was drunkenly sleepwalking.
"He was so not worth staining my backseat for."
Any recommendations for how to tell your wife about the pics of her 19 yr old sister on a porn site without admitting you were surfing said porn site?
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
If I walk downstairs and Kelly is fucking in the laundry room again I'm gonna die
We decided it was a good idea to go streaking through the campus. Everything was fine until the sprinklers turned on and we realized the keys were in his pocket.
Moms passed out wet and naked in a rocking chair again....
Randomize
