I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
There is a bruise on my cock the size of a golfball. Bad sign.
I just smoked a bowl in the dining room and am now drinking a glass of chocolate milk. i can't believe i'm getting paid for this.
this is probably the only time in my life that i would want to fuck thomas jefferson
Oh so it was one of those "I shouldn't have gotten in a cab with a random 21 year old girl" kinda nights.
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
I just used my glow stick from the dance to find my way in the bathroom to puke. Who wants me on their corporate team
im currently assessing the tequila situation in preparation of your arrival
There's jello in my purse I have a mysterious glow stick and didn't sleep with anyone my god I'm 3 for 3 tonight
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
I want you to know that the guy who peed in your bed got fat.
my nose is crying tears of wow.
I think it's your fault my nipples aren't sensitive anymore.
Gatorade without vodka just doesn't taste the same
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
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