She wouldn't go home with me cause I forgot her name. I didn't realize it would matter after she danced with her vagina on my face
Your braces fetish is going to end up biting you in the dick.
All I need right now is some mouthwash, dignity, and security camera footage...
I peed in a 7/11 last night. Like literally pretended I pretended I was shopping, looked around, and peed on boxes in the corner. No more tequila
Apparently it is frowned upon to ask the bouncer to stop pointing his flashlight in your face and step back so you can puke....and then do it
I haven't even booked my flights yet and I have my drug supply sorted
The doctor that gave me my std test is trying to hook me up with her daughter lol
The second I see you we're shot gunning beers
It's gonna be 8 o'clock in the morning
And your point is?
Marry me
Novelty of the week: Getting my lipstick back in an evidence bag
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
do you think me going to the gyno dressed as a cat is inappropriate?
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
Well I'm sorry I assumed you were a human and that humans have the capability to forget sometimes.
I've faked every orgasm I've ever had, I think I can fake being sick for 8 hours.
I'm not the type to go to a guys house...in your case his boat...and sleep with them..I mean I have in the past but I'm trying to be more serious and grown up
Randomize
