then he goes, "ok, i have to go talk to the girl i'm semi-talking to/dating and see if i'm in trouble" WHAT IS MY LIFE?!
I'm still with the girl from last night. remember to call me conrad and that i work for PETA
woke up in a freezing tub of water at 6 am again. probably should stop the drunk baths
sorry we overslept. have a good day at work. p.s. thanks for making it feel like my vagina got hit by a train.
You insisted that you sleep on the bear rug instead of the couch. You said it was lonely and you kept on petting its head.
just tried googling 24 hr taco bell and when i typed "24 hour" it autocompleted with fitness. buzzzz killllll
Yes I was being legit. That's the only plant I want in my house. A growing penis.
Ummm. I just wanna say this now: Don't let me invite the band back to the apartment to see my stripper pole.
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
I know you saw me get knocked out after I stepped on that rake why did you leave me there
I didn't know where you were for like 15 minutes and then I went in the bathroom splashing water on the mirror and throwing hand towels around saying that you were "redecorating"
The memory of your penis haunts me. I must learn to be satisfied with lesser men than you.
We smoked weed. AS A FAMILY. IT WAS BEAUTIFUL.
I CAN SPEAK THE LANGUAGE OF THE ANIMES.
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
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