My penis looks like a roll of pennies
Oh. Ok. I get the hint.
Like a roll of pennies where the paper got wet & then dried all wrinkly and weird...
My tally is now official: I have been drunk every weekend since 2008. Cheers.
Hey man, did I leave the bottom drawer to my refrigerator that I had beer in at your house by any chance?
Maybe someone other than the mad hatter should have gone with him to the ER
Planning a foam party. Swimsuits are mandatory, and please no granny suits. If you wear a granny suit I will stick you in the corner and put a cone hat on your head.
I just traded 5 cigarettes for a sandwich on they greyhound.You owe me 5 cigarettes. I told you I would get hungry.
Pride is not for the college student young Padawan. Tequila is for the college student.
My walk of shame turned into having to get his dad to tow my best friends car out of the snowbank in his driveway
I want to have sex with Will Smith. I guess I have a thing with 90s sitcom stars. Stamos, Joey Lawrence, John Goodman.
I don't even care that it's before church. I feel like God actually wants me to have this shower beer.
So I think I've successful blown my foot off in a way that's going to make you call me an idiot.
I'm surronded by jorts. You're probably too drunk to care. I'm gonna cry now. Love you.
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
i'm not sure you can trust me in a car with 20 dozen donuts
I am not a whore. I just wanted casual drinking, monogamous sex and occasional McDonald's runs.
Randomize
