Someone shit on the floor
it can't be normal that my body odor smells like fries
I guess I should mention that I have already fucked the Fed Ex guy.
That changes everything.
Said he had been eating pineapple for a week before our 1st date. Not sure if thankful for his consideration or offended by his assumption.
Yeah i knew he wasn't okay when he told me he was "seeing his vision"
I just can't have sex with a guy who has nicer eyebrows than me
She kept telling me to calm down. I was on the floor with my eyes shut, not moving. In levels of calm I was one step above coma patient
Want to come over and rub aloe on my tits?
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
Lets have the type of night where its 5am and one of us has definitely punched someone who has been on a Disney Channel show.
The waitress at the airport bar just asked me if I wanted a "to go" beer, hahahahaha OF COURSE I WANT A TO GO BEER.
I had the most traumatic dream I've ever had just now. I ripped my dick off because a girl asked me to and spent the rest of the dream crying about my dick
He's at Disney with 4 kids and I'm drinking wine from the bottle in bed at 2:45pm. Does it sound like we're compatible??
Yeah just had sex and grub hub came right after he did. I’d say it’s a win.
So this morning when I woke up. I found my refrigerator open and no more food. It was empty, I'm home alone for the week. Where in hell did that food go?
Randomize