I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
Party in the USA is so catchy!
Yea, so is AIDS.
there are seriously like six guinea pigs in my bathtub right now
btw, her name was actually Alixx. in retrospect, it was pretty much a gimme
I couldn't be mad. She was crying because she fell bare ass into the rose bush trying to pee. So I held her up mid-stream and she peed on my feet. No big
A French guy bit my cheek. Is that sexy there? Also had to threaten to stab the bus driver. I'm not sure I like Europe.
Wearing the 'Let's Party' thong feels weird without you...
Now that I've quit blow, I think I'm allergic to my cat....
I hate how much more visible my vomit is on snow, I need a winter vomit bush
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
He smells like ham and a lifetime of poor choices
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
I AM GETTING LAID TONIGHT YES HAPPY DAY PRAISE JESUS ALMIGHTY IN HEAVEN DEAR GOD CHRIST YES DADDY YAAASSS
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
Haha i really think theres no better way to tell a paramedic sorry for breaking your nose than a beautiful and healthy edible arrangement...
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