We all just poured out a sip of our drinks for you. One for our pussy whipped homie.
We agreed on being friends w/ benefits. Lets see if that really happens.
Ok, so that was not supposed to go to u, my bad. I feel horrible.
filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
Yeah you fell over while you were peeing and you said "hold I'm, I'm still peeing"
normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
how thoroughly do i need to sanitize the cone the vet put around my dog's neck for it to be safe to use as a beer bong?
Of course I lose my iPhone but still manage to hold on to the ruler for my dirty teacher costume
The look on the dr's face when she asked me the last time i had sex and i responded "like an hour and a half ago" ... priceless
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
I just woke up ass naked on top of all my sheets, with no blinds in my room because i used them as togas, my back is killing me, im covered in sharpie, i have no memory of last night, and im pretty sure im still drunk. I consider the night a success
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
I'm not saying you're stupid, just that you have bad luck when thinking...
IT'S PERFEFT
... what?
HIS DICK. IT'S PERFECT. BYE.
Randomize
