I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
Woman walking into toby keith concert: 8 months pregnant, black eye, shirt on that has a picture of a boot and the words "we'll put a boot up your ass" with an american flag printed over--the sleeves were ripped off and she had a camo cowboy hat. Greatest thing I've ever seen.
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
This is worse that I thought. He's playing violin for me.
I am particularly sorry about getting dome in your backseat. And for thinking you wouldn't notice.
Hate the very realistic pregnancy dreams. Like my dream when I birthed the pirate ships. SO REAL...
He did plead exhaustion. And I made him push through it. I am like the motherfucking badass football coach of sex.
I just had to dig under a pile of condoms in my desk drawer to get to a blue book. Summer is officially over.
Wanna skype?
Can your lips gently and pleasantly suck on my balls via skype? If not, then no.
Just had Jager bombs for breakfast with her roommate... I do not regret this newfound lesbianism.
Apparently I was proudly showing him the cup I barfed pizza rolls into
Btw when I was saying "fuck you" I meant it like "be quiet beautiful princess"
Banged former boss. Adulthood achievement unlocked.
Everything is fine, it's not hung over in here at all\n\n*Narrator* *but in fact everything was not fine*
It's a shame, really, because he's got the cock of a horse... And the personality of dry toast.
Randomize
