Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
Chinatown. Her fortune cookie said "accept the next proposition you receive." TELL ME NO NOW.
so I'm coping with getting the "I'm not over my ex" bomb dropped on me by getting drunk and yelling at people while wearing a purple princess hat
Aaaaand that would be the most of my hand I've ever fit into a vagina before.
In the memo line of the check she wrote sexual healing.
She broke up with him yesterday after she cheated on him. He's going a bachelor party next weekend. How has Homeland Security not raised the threat level?
I fell asleep to him stroking my ass calling it his precious.
uhh when the x-ray tec was moving your head you licked his hand and meowed.. i think he knew you weren't sober
This weekend has taught me that sometimes, being buried under a mattress is the safest place in the room.
I can't even look at my running shoes. I swear I drank more in the last 2 days than the last 6 months combined
Check the mailbox while you're out!
I already looked this morning. You go check and see what you won on Ebay after your day drinking spree.
Ehhh, contemplating pain killers and fruit snacks if that's any indication.
When I was hooking up with this guy last night all I could think about was if we were in Game of Thrones... I need to stop doing drugs
i guess i fuck people who own bucket hats so i can't talk shit
He brought me flowers and then spanked me with a Doctor Who paddle. Pretty good night, as these things go.
Awwwwwww!
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