I mean I can't believe yesterday ended w/ your house getting firebombed. What an unexpected turn of events
You should just wear a sign that says "I like cheap Chinese food and anal"
I like taco bell too
Lady with a stroller in a bar. Think she's out of my league?
Are you trying to threaten my boobs?
So im walking through ohare and this guy walks by with a cart full of big bottles of liquor. I want to know what flight hes on.
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
Weekday college schedule so far: get high as tits. Watch Family Guy marathons. Repeat.
I just saw an appointment in my phone called "it's been a month" I think I drunkly did that after I slept with Paul to remind myself to check if I got knocked up... I'm smarter drunk than sober.
I think my staff loses a little bit of respect for me every time you're in town. I may have to puke at work ...again.
He asked me what I wanted the cake to say and I then asked him if "I'm sorry for throwing up in your bed last night" was too long. He said it was...
I've never had goosebumps on my dick before. It was definitely not a bad feeling.
At 12:16 am. We just got out of the truck and went behind it and fucked. With 3 people in the truck. On the side of the road. As cars drove by.
You should have just fucked me in the bathroom when you had a chance!
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
Randomize
