i just unintentionally masturbated to my own facebook picture
I'm still drunk from last night...I walked out for a cigarette with one of the Janitors here and apparently someone took a shit on the stairs...Which makes me wonder...was that me?
woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
Bad news. Pictures just stimulated my memory and i just realized the stripper I hooked up with this weekend tasted like pizza.
i'm half naked talking to a cat. you don't have to justify your life to me.
If we can only get laid once in a blue moon, apparently this will be our month.
Haunted Houses: fun, lame, or love to sneak off and get fingered in the dark alley way?
I wish buying curtains was as easy as buying drugs. I already KNOW what I want and what the outcome will be: awesome.
Mostly because I hate my job and a have a photogenic penis.
NO HOOKUPS IN THE CAR. I will try as i might to practice what i preach, but there are no guarantees.
The resort was totally empty, just June and I. Which of course lead to EXCESSIVE day drinking and outdoor fucking. FYI Dominicans LOVE to watch.
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
Went home last night with that hot British guy. Sounded like I was f-ing in a Harry Potter movie.
Randomize
