I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
And God said, "Let there be Twilight," and it was so.
I should injure you considerably.
you ate skittles off the table like a hungry hungry hippo. it was awesome.
Do you think Tom Brady went home tonight and changed his facebook status to "pink with lace"?
This kind of poor decision making requires a real cup, not a mason jar.
I just remembered I opened the taxi door when I was at a red light last night and puked. And then when I was done I closed the door and told him he may proceed with caution.
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
Yo I found your batman costume.... It was in my pool with a shitload of beer cans
i spent 45 minutes yellng Heather I feel so bad i wanna die and then 45 more yelling I DONT WANNT TO DIE. thats how drunk i was
I have bad memories with every alcohol but we manage to work through the problems for the good of the relationship
I woke up naked and only wearing cowboy boots, wrapped in a curtain that was still attached to the pole
lost my vibrator and now I have to masturbate manually. The struggle is fucking real.
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
you said it was a life or death situation, being your partner for beer pong doesn't count
I couldn’t resist. He had a camouflage condom. You know I love a man in a uniform
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