All I remember is yelling at him to admit he liked Bon Jovi, then accusing him of giving love a bad name.
The walk of shame is far, far worse on crutches.
Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
if she mentions anything about chili and my phone, just go with it
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
it went ok. then he slept in a parking lot and took me out for a picnic the next day. boys are confusing.
Felt like shit, jerked off, felt ten times better. Being a guy rules. It's like I got all the demons out in 5 minutes.
I can't help the fact that i'm turned on by white boys that look like Jesus
I CAN ONLY BE THE BIRDIE ON YOUR SHOULDER WHO LEADS YOU INTO BAD DESCISIONS
you wouldn't let anybody come in after ten. everybody was standing outside and you just yelled "BEING PUNCTUAL IS IMPORTANT" and slammed the door. i dont think you should be allowed to have parties anymore
it concerns me that i was already that drunk at 10
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
I just drunkenly signed my mortgage application...
Is this how the global financial crisis happened?
I just smoked weed out of a tomahawk, then chased an armadillo with said tomahawk, I love my life.
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