nothing tight i'm going to stuff myself with food and alchy
i called her out for picking her nose in public and he still wonders why i don't like her!
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
Well then I realized I had a bigger problem when I woke up a long board.
she screamed "my eye!" and it brought me a surge of bad memories. except she was yelling about a lemon.
The girl who overdosed in the bathroom at work is back....help?
This honesty session brought to you by jagermeister inc.
I think she's perpetually drunk
It's all she knows
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
Such a good question, let's ask the alcohol gods for the answer.
Got to use the phrase "sweet pukas dude." My day is made.
I sprayed his whole room with my perfume and left lots of my hair on the bed. So now if he does bring her home, the bitch will know this territory is marked.
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
You know those times when you're sitting down for a while and r like damn I'm sober but then stand up and r like WOAH HOLD UP.
Randomize
