Midnight walks are trippy
I tried to do that earlier, but I was alone and scared, so I stole a happy Birthday balloon.
Correction, I've been on a lot of dates and a lot of dicks
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
Just remembered getting lost in a "shortcut" through yards and GPSing my way home last night
He would only do it doggy style. The "he's probably gay" debate rages on...
I drank entirely too much. My skin hurts to wear
I'm going out w/ her for her b-day in a bit. I just talked to one of her drunk friends on the phone who asked if I could "handle 7 lesbian." This could be interesting.
She was wearing my robin hood hat from Halloween shouting "steal from the rich and give to the poor, mothafuckaaaaas." We are taking her everywhere.
In honor of today being Sunday I am day drinking and watching Grey's Anatomy all day. ALL DAY.
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
I wanna get high and watch Shrek tonight...don't make me do it alone.
I don't think he understands that his kid doesn't bother me. I have a binder full of developmentally appropriate early childhood activities.
Either go for divorced men who are forty plus or stop doing this immediately. You are 23 years old. You need more wine and less baby fever
Do it break your family into faction start a civil war
These morning walks of shame have became my morning jogs
I'm kind of pissed I'm not hungover, that means I could have totally drank more last night.
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