Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
I didn't black out, the guy in the Men In Black costume erased my memory
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
Ssssssssssshhhhhhhhhhhiiiiiiii!iiiiiiiiiitttttttttttttttssssssssssssshhhhhhhhooooooooowwwwwww. Letters for emphaSSIIISISEEEE!
It's all fun and games until you throw up hot cheetos in your drawer.
We need a fire pit. Meat. And a keg.I mean like a cow we just carve from. And cook it. We can use the milk from the udder to make White Russians
I never want to do this again, I'm going to chew off several fingers and apply for disability
I think I may have just taught my whole hall how to give a good blow job. So this is college.
I'm so high that hamburger just went up my nose. Mustard BURNS
I found more straws in my beard this morning. Please stop doing that.
It was an interesting experience to have sex while there was a triathlon going on right outside my bedroom window because it sounded like everyone is cheering for you in bed.
How supportive!
I'll give you one guess. It has a cock and I want it
I'm hungry and horny. DEADLY COMBINATION.
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
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