**i WaNt TO sLaP mY niECe wHO ThINks iT iS cUte tO WriTE LiKE tHiS**
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
Only your vagina holds the key to what happened last night.
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
I have bruises on my ass from her spurs. God bless Texas.
So he might be the smartest man alive. He had the stripper pick him up taco bell on the way to the room for an extra 50 bucks.
Aside from the slim chance of pregnancy, I'm gonna call last night a raging success.
I played ping pong,drunk, with my hand instead of the paddle. And i won. I have hidden talents
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
you left your anal beads in the dishwasher
And if you haven't kicked a pigeon you haven't started your morning right
Who died my cat blue again?
She asked what the dent on the hood of my car was from..i think she knows we had sex up there
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
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