When she talks to me all I hear are 5 generations of inbreeding speaking.
She insisted on fucking on the futon mattress on the floor, answered the phone call from her boyfriend who was on his way to pick her up, and then had the audacity to ask if I was clean
I stopped in the middle of puking to wish you a happy birthday, so by default it means a lot.
Please high five our old drug dealer for me please.
judging from the number of limes and box of kosher salt on the counter therell be 8.5 gallons of tequila drunk this weekend.
sounds about right
Anyhow, I am sorry for being obnoxious about wanting more sex and forcing you to eat lunchmeat off of my ginormous nipples. I knew that you weren't going to succumb to my pushy demands
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
Just had an epiphany about how to drink more effectively in the shower. While walking across campus carrying a Franzia bag like Santa
Getting your clit pierced is not something you want to trust to a crazy girl with an ice cube, some vodka, and a sewing needle. Trust me. I learned that the hard way.
Omg have I shown you my skeezy ex fiancée?
The other one.
Sex followed by chicken and waffles... Hands down my favorite morning plans. Count me in.
Poor guy. Tried so hard to get out of the friend zone. I had to make out with someone in front of him to put him in his place.
New holiday tradition. Eat all the Xanax in the am, then wake up later after festivities and eat all the leftovers
I'm sober now, I ate a whole cantaloupe.
I'm like the total package- I don't want a relationship and I have daddy issues. What more could he want?
Randomize
