I really shouldn't have to apologize. It was your own damn fault for opening a tab at the bar and telling me about it.
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
The meeting is at the same hotel we go to for sex. Avoiding eye contact with all the staff there.
Some chick just tried to plug her vodka into the wall.
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
Since your rent is paid til the first, we decided to use your apartment as the beer pong room. We apologize in advance for losing your security deposit.
Yeah... I was considering changing that part but the boxed wine is non-negotiable.
I took my exam the next day still drunk and failed, but I kno for a fact that I filled in the bubbles for my name perfectly
the best part was at the strip club when he said he was "here to pick up my wife. she's up on stage.....wait that's my aunt". only in Ottawa.
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
He came over apologized for his lack of sexual skills. Cleaned my kitchen cooked me dinner. And gave me another one minute stand. I think im okay with this
I managed all three standard threesome configurations a female-bodied person can achieve in just under nine years. I want to high-five everyone involved, but I've lost touch with a couple of them
You tried to prove you weren't drunk by loudly singing the romanian national anthem. Why the fuck do you even KNOW the romanian national anthem?
This is like a walk of shame down memory lane.
Drunk me just want to text sober me for saving that half rack of ribs I loves you
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