Sometimes I feel like I shouldn't drink when I come out of a black out half naked covered in puke. Then I realize thats why I drink.
Dude WTF? His teammate just started talkin to me on fb! Am I walking around with a "I like to f**k gators" on my forehead?
No, it just says ur easy
And he just showed me his vera bradley wallet...
Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
Don't worry about later. I already pre-ordered a pizza for a 1:45 delivery and told them to ignore any calls from your number.
You're getting good at this, you know that?
Whatever, its basically a crime against humanity to miss an andre power hour so she'll get what's coming to her.
apparently he thought telling me 'the weasel wants to come out to play' would somehow convince me to go down on him
You peed in my camelbak and said it was a reverse catheter. Not cool.
Not my man #1 and if he likes it then he should put a title on it. Till then the gates of hell. Aka my vagina are open for entrance.
We both got free alcohol and got laid by foreign men last night.
I'm not going out again for the rest of my life. I can't top this.
Got high again and all I want to do is wave this flag around
Why do I have "apologize to Dave Coulier" written on my hand?
Things he's good at: oral sex and geometry. Things he's not good at: actual sex.
I explained to him that me turning straight is a once a year thing. And this boy just happens to be the chosen one.
Can you please bring the nipple sombrero up?
Randomize
