she said "can't you just pull out and cum on my face? I hate scooping jizz out of my vag".
I'm assuming you texted me by mistake. you're not jizzing in or on me again, thanks for playing, douchebag.
So bad news they put a private property sign on the tiger.
Until they install cameras or armed security i'll ride the fuck out of that jungle cat.
I swear this girl is like a Cross between Danny Devito and Anne Heche....the Lesbian Years.
i just opened a seperate checking account to keep track of how much i make and spend on our keggers
He just referred to his foreskin as a snuggie. Help.
We were in the shower and he sat down an wouldn't do anything. I'm so glad he manscapes. It made washing his balls less awkward.
i promise the blood crusted on your tits is from him motorboating you after he tripped into the pool stick. nothing else.
Oh man. Realized I was high when I realized how long I'd been watching Roseanne
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
He has a British accent. He could read me the phone book and I would come so hard he would need a wizened old man in a rowboat to save him.
I'm sorry about the spring break comment. I won't make anymore pornos, I promise.
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
He ate me out in a limo while we were driving home. I love bars being open again!
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