And by the way, how is me getting head even remotely comparable to you fucking 3 guys?
he yelled "RELEASE THE KRAKEN" then hit me with his dick
I left him a voicemail saying i went through with the abortion and he texts me back one thing... the bbm "phew" face. really?
i have learned 4:30 is too early to start pregamming for the midnight harry potter
He licked the chalk off his shirt, then spat the Mountain Dew from his mouth onto the shirt and sucked on it. And thats him sober.
chimney cleaner pole that expands when button is pushed then pull out. Remember that. We have to patent it.
Who are you high with right now?
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
Remember when we were coked out at that house and we were trying to meditate in the bathroom? Who's house were we at?
mike is out of commission and cannot make breakfast. he's sitting with two frozen waffles on his face & smiling like an idiot.
Don't trim your pubes if you've been drinking. I can't believe I have to tell you more than once.
dude, you ran into a window then asked ME what the fuck I was doing.
My mom heard me having sex with my boyfriend but thought it was the neighbors. She commented on how quick it was. I just nodded and changed the subject
Woke up with a bed full of sand...care to explain?
Isnt is self explanatory?
I think there is cocaine on my toothbrush.
Not having a reliable dick in is getting expensive. I’ve had to replace 3 vibrators since Mike and I split up
Randomize
