how can u be prego again
If a girl is wearing Ed Hardy from head to toe, does that make her a douchebagette?
Saying she let herself go implies she was actually holding on
You sprayed lemon pledge on your crotch because it was "dusty"
You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
I gave the naked guy in the hotel a pop tart. He stopped crying.
He's upstairs shouting 'FUCK OFF I'M IN MY MOTHERFUCKING ZEN ZONE' out of the window.
I mean, two foreign guys have drunkenly confessed their love for her, so she's clearly doing something right.
I want to show up to tomorrow's study group looking like I got hit by a train. A train made of dicks.
anyone can pick a bar fight and pick up a waitress at a bar, not everyone hangout with two wolves. TWO WOLVES.
I'm only fucking women born in the 90s this summer
It looks like you got dick slapped by the sandman..
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
The neighbor just poured gasoline on his 2 brush fires and proceeded to shoot Roman candles at them 🤔
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