He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
Guy in our group took down a chick in a wheelchair last night.
BTW he text me to text him later after the concert to hang out. Im prepping my bed but I should know I shouldn't count my dicks before they hatch
This is classic penis vs brain.
If this were a real emergency kilted men wielding claymores and riding giant badgers would hve rescued said Guinness. So clearly this is just a hypothetical
High-fiving last weekend's hook up in passing on the way to class has given me quite the lady boner.
How the fuck am I supposed to enjoy a third ice day from school if I only bought enough alcohol for 2?
I don't know, maybe act like an adult who teaches children for a living
It's like we're not even friends
I wish our county sheriff had a comment section for their mugshots.
Stop calling him just to say, "my vagina misses you."
ill be home in an hour. Be in my bed ready for disappointment
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
my hair smells like a mixture of fireworks and rotten eggs with a hint of shame. it's so strong it's keeping me awake.
Well obviously we have a ghost in the house who’s taking showers in your bathroom and doing our cocaine.
I don't know if I'm having early flu symptoms, a miscarriage, or am badly hungover. Web md agrees.
Randomize
