Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
Yeah, but I'm out of licorice and there's no way anywhere near here will rent us all mopeds on a Tuesday night.
Don't judge me. He's really sexy for a 17 year old. We made nasty in the womens bathroom at the beach. Don't worry. I wore sandals in there.
None of that is ok.
So the bartender just told me that there was numerous people who saw me having sex on the rooftop last weekend. +1
Ive waited a long time for a girl with prescriptions like yours.
This is one of those moments when you do what I say or I come stalk you down like a gazelle.
She passed out on the kitchen table with two mickeys forties duct taped to her hands. Clearly she is going to fit perfectly in your house this semester
the mexican frat downstairs started singing this mariachi song, then out of nowhere some dude busts out a trumpet and plays along. is this even real?
jen just told me ur idea of revenge was saluting while letting his bong float away while attached to some balloons.
I'm too high and old for this...
Sorry, was sleeping. I heard a rumor that I had a hangover, so I just went with it...
She started waving a nerf rifle around and demanding free booze.
I'd like to know who hasn't seen my tits tonight.
I don't know what else to tell you.. just listen to some taylor swift and you'll know what to do in the morning
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
Randomize
