Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
if he only knew that in between each sext i was puking.
I'm ashamed of you 12 hours later and 200 miles away
were lost, were cold and we don't know what to do with the stray cat we found.
walk of shame into the pharmacy with a busted up chin and laughing the lady at the counter rolled her eyes at me when I asked for the morning after pill.
Dude, you disappeared somewhere on the walk back and shortly after we got a call from your cell phone from this guy explaining that him and his roommates woke up to the smell of burning pizza and a naked stranger on their couch.
i woke up this morning and saw her in my bed and i said to myself, I think I might have a drinking problem.
Man I'll cab it I'll be sloshed by then. There's turtles involved
I found some video of you on my camera that's like 5 seconds long, where you announce that you should have been a dentist before taking a bong hit.
He called me piss drunk at 7:30pm while cooking bacon and said he was going to bed. I don't think he's taking it well.
In all honesty the person most likely to secretly slip me drugs would be ... Me
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜
you know you're sexually deprived when you're holding a warm taquito in your hand and your vagina starts to tingle
I lost my cyber virginity to a guy I barely knew in high school while a Togepi Plushie watched.
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